'I don't find myself dreading the holidays quite so much with one of the boys out of the mix I think it will be a lot easier' says I, last Monday morning, how wrong can a girl be. The initial days of school holidays can only be described as bi-polar, while they adjust to the lack of routine and become accustomed to spending long periods of time together. Initially this prospect appeals greatly to them, they are, thick as thieves, giddy as kippers, high as kites and have to be peeled of the ceiling at regular intervals.
It probably takes about twenty four hours for the cracks to appear and by the middle of day two, 'he's been mean to me', 'it's my turn', 'he won't play with me', 'he's erased my data', is lamented from wherever they are. At this point I usually, phone a friend, put my iPod in or clean the shower and proffer the advice, 'if you can't be nice to each other just stay away from each other'.
Obviously they never take this advice and as we approach the witching hour, otherwise known as tea time, bath time, bed time, it all kicks off. It would seem when it escalates to this level, they can no longer tolerate each other in any way, shape or form and there is no other course of action than to thump each other or have each other in a headlock. Of course, as all we grown ups know, this course of action inevitably 'ends in tears' and not only theirs, but normally mine too.
Exasperated and exhausted with a sore throat from all the shouting, I make the executive decision to initiate the 'major incident plan'.
- Separate children, put the naughtiest (usually Fergal) in the hall, without any form of entertainment.
- Warn the other children that this is what will happen to them if they fail to calm down, behave and most importantly, don't give me some peace.
- Hot foot to the fridge in search of wine, pour large glass
- Take said glass of wine out to the smoking shelter, otherwise known as the recycling bin, add nicotine and count to a million
- Feed children a meal that all will eat without complaint, usually pizza
- Run bath whilst children are eating, leaving eldest child at the table in charge, ensure younger children KNOW eldest child is in charge.
- Once children have finished eating ensure they go straight to the bathroom, do not allow them to pass the TV or XBOX
- Scrub children quickly whilst recounting, in detail, EVERY thing, they have done that has irritated the life out of you during the course of the day. This ensures they understand why they are being put to bed SO early and prevents you irritating your spouse when they return from work, as you've already debriefed.
- Put children to bed warning 'major incident plan' will be re instigated tomorrow if they don't go to sleep.
- Consume remains of wine bottle supplemented with more nicotine, sit in front of TV. Abandon any hope of achieving anything you had aspired to do today and comfort yourself that, 'after all ' as Scarlett O'Hara would say 'tomorrow is another day'.
Usually day three is much calmer and I only have to threaten to implement the 'major incident plan.'
There are even occasions on day three I catch them snugged up together on the sofa like little monkeys subconsciously stroking each other's hair or peacefully picking their noses!