I do though, 'wish I'd looked after my teeth' better when I was younger. In pregnancy with my third child I bit in to sandwich and lost half a molar. I was surprised by the subsequent mini grief reaction I experienced. As with most things in youth, I took my teeth for granted, only thought about them when they caused me a problem which thankfully hadn't happened often.
I'd had a few fillings, braces and wisdom teeth out. I wasn't sorry to see the back of the wisdom teeth as the pain they caused was excruciating. My family and friends would testify I bore this pain stoically without a hint of drama! I would liken it to having a hundred dwarfs in your head with pick axes. Giving birth on a daily basis would be preferable, honestly.
In my fourth pregnancy another half molar bit the dust and I was starting to worry my smile was headed the same way as Shane McGowan's. Time to take control and start cherishing my not so pearly whites.
Shopping being a preferred past time I hot footed to the shops to 'tool up'. I am now the proud owner of an array of electric toothbrushes, floss and even dental implements to keep my teeth in tip top condition.
If I was solely responsible for my own teeth life would be ticketyboo: unfortunately it would seem I'm not. Keeping my children's teeth clean is yet another chore that makes daily life arduous. I could probably qualify for a post as a veterinary dental hygienist and I actually think cleaning dogs or even horses teeth would be easier given that whilst animals resist they can't argue, sulk or moan at the same time which my children would gain a first class honours degree in. I doubt even Mr. Ed the talking horse put up as much of a fight as they do. To be truthful some days I just let them make their own half hearted attempts as I can't face the battle and when I'm not there I don't think my husband even does that.
This week we all had dental appointments which meant a concerted effort as our dentist is 'hot' on hygiene. It doesn't matter what I do, he'll always discover a bit I've missed and scold me. I come out feeling at best a bad mother and at worst as if I've committed child abuse. I applied myself to 'operation nasher' earnestly in an attempt to avoid the latter. This resulted in three out of the four children restrained in head locks and half of the bathroom and me being covered in toothpaste for a week.
Adding to the trauma of our dental appointments is the fact that the younger members of the family's behaviour descends to it's worst level in an environment where there are buttons to press, wheelie chairs and shiny instruments to 'play with'. I used to attend with all four children on my own and the experience mimicked a scene from a 'Carry On' film. It is particularly difficult to control them when you are lying on a couch with a sharp instrument in your mouth. Aware of this, they take the opportunity to riot.
'I think it might be better if we split the children's appointments, perhaps you could come with two and your husband could come with two?' the dentist helpfully suggested after a particularly fraught appointment where one of them knocked a tray of sterilised instruments flying from its pedestal to the unsterile floor.
Apologising I conceded this was an excellent idea. This enforced responsibility on my husband was the dentist's idea and not mine. He would therefore be less likely or able to justify shirking it as he would hate to be judged as irresponsible by anyone other than me.
Confident in the knowledge their teeth were the 'best I could get them' we attended our appointments, my husband with number one and three and me with number two and four. Number three and four together are currently the most dangerous concoction and best separated in any social situation that requires compliance.
I entered the room feeling confident that my teeth were exceptionally clean and even with a slight air of smugness having ensured a hygienist appointment for myself the week before. Needless to say mine were brilliant and the children's were 'mostly good' although they were, or rather I was, still 'missing bits'.
I left a little disheartened that their teeth still weren't perfectly clean after all my efforts and at a loss as to how I could ever achieve this. I consoled myself and took comfort that at least the dentist hadn't needed Valium pre appointment and counselling post. Surely it would make more sense to wear dentures in childhood and grow teeth as adults when we are responsible enough to look after them ourselves? It would certainly make my life a lot easier if I could pop the kids' teeth in a jar overnight with a sterident.
Image Jan Willemsen